My girlfriend says I’m obsessed with The Apocalypse. I wouldn’t say that. I just see the signs. They’re out there, floating around in our media like tiny neon signs, flashing about humanity’s impending doom. You’ve heard of them, even followed them on TV. But no one seems to see the writing on the wall. So here I am, ready to spell it out for you.
Sign of The Apocalypse #1
Meet Watson.
No, wait. That’s not... right...
Okay. Now, meet Watson
Watson was designed and built by IBM. Why was it designed? Because fuck you, that’s why. Actually, IBM says the latest super computer was designed as a research computer, they say to help doctors in diagnosing patients.
They say.
While only Apple is worse at hiding their attempts at global domination, IBM has been doing its best to disguise their version of HAL in a cloud of cutsy-friendly media attention.
As I’m sure you know, Watson recently went on Jeopardy to compete against the two highest-earning winners in Jeopardy history, Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter. These two guys have a combined $6,627,702 in winnings between the two of them. Next to them, most Jeopardy winners are like cute children, mispronouncing the word “sit” on YouTube. They are, without a doubt, the pinnacle of trivia badassery.
Watson wiped Trebek’s floor with them.
Now, part of the advantage here had to come from the fact that Watson doesn’t have thumbs (yet?) and got to buzz in electronically, which probably made it (I refuse to give this monstrosity a gender) able to respond faster. But Ken Jennings commented that he had heard about Watson early in 2010 and didn’t think the computer would be ready to compete for 5 or 6 years. He said he was surprised by how fast the computer learned.
Seriously, people, do I have to spell it out for you? How about I do so in pictures:
Not a Schwarzenegger fan? That's fine.
Either way, five years from now we’re all going to be running for our lives across the ruins of our cities, chased by some mechanical monsters, wondering why we didn’t see this coming. Our only hope is to overload WatsonNet with pictures of animated gifs of cats now.
Sign of The Apocalpse #2
Researchers in Wisconsin announced in 2009 that they were close to a cure for the common cold. Some say this could be the miracle vaccine that changes humanity forever. Hoo-ray! We all get to spend more days at work every year and we don’t have to worry about old people dying so fast!
Wait, what researchers? Who do they work for? A think tank, a government agency, a university? Umbrella Corporation? Nevermind! Who cares? The cold is gone forever! I’m gonna get in line for a shot now! There’s no possible way this could backfire on humanity!
Shit.
Sign of The Apocalypse #3
Vladimir Putin.
Holy crap, the prime minister of Russia is a raging sea of unchecked testosterone. Here’s a short list supporting this fact:
-While on a nature walk, he tranquilized a Siberian tiger that attacked his film crew.
-He shot a gray whale with a crossbow. When asked if he thought it was a dangerous thing to do, he responded, “Living in general is dangerous.”
-In 2000 he went all Bill Pullman and flew a Sukhoi-27 fighter jet over Grozny, Chechnya… just to see how the war was going.
And while most guys think that stuff is pretty badass (probably the ladies too), we all have to admit that at some point this guy is going to come unhinged like a roided-up bodybuilder stuck in a phone booth. He’ll turn all red, the veins in his head will start beating like a bad anime cartoon, he’ll start foaming at the mouth, screaming about one of his Western rivals, then sooner than later he’s going to push a button and send a missile flying. And we all know that when one missile flies, all the missiles fly (because that’s the only thing we learned in the 60s).
Before you know it the whole world will either be like Waterworld or The Postman. Or Dances With Wolves. I’m not sure. It has something to do with Kevin Costner, I think.
And maybe a jet ski.
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