The End is Near-ish

My girlfriend says I’m obsessed with The Apocalypse. I wouldn’t say that. I just see the signs. They’re out there, floating around in our media like tiny neon signs, flashing about humanity’s impending doom. You’ve heard of them, even followed them on TV. But no one seems to see the writing on the wall. So here I am, ready to spell it out for you.

Sign of The Apocalypse #1

Meet Watson.

No, wait. That’s not... right...

Okay. Now, meet Watson

Watson was designed and built by IBM. Why was it designed? Because fuck you, that’s why. Actually, IBM says the latest super computer was designed as a research computer, they say to help doctors in diagnosing patients.

They say.

While only Apple is worse at hiding their attempts at global domination, IBM has been doing its best to disguise their version of HAL in a cloud of cutsy-friendly media attention.

As I’m sure you know, Watson recently went on Jeopardy to compete against the two highest-earning winners in Jeopardy history, Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter. These two guys have a combined $6,627,702 in winnings between the two of them. Next to them, most Jeopardy winners are like cute children, mispronouncing the word “sit” on YouTube. They are, without a doubt, the pinnacle of trivia badassery.

Watson wiped Trebek’s floor with them.

Now, part of the advantage here had to come from the fact that Watson doesn’t have thumbs (yet?) and got to buzz in electronically, which probably made it (I refuse to give this monstrosity a gender) able to respond faster. But Ken Jennings commented that he had heard about Watson early in 2010 and didn’t think the computer would be ready to compete for 5 or 6 years. He said he was surprised by how fast the computer learned.

Seriously, people, do I have to spell it out for you? How about I do so in pictures:

Not a Schwarzenegger fan? That's fine.

Either way, five years from now we’re all going to be running for our lives across the ruins of our cities, chased by some mechanical monsters, wondering why we didn’t see this coming. Our only hope is to overload WatsonNet with pictures of animated gifs of cats now.

Saved by the Internet!

Sign of The Apocalpse #2

Researchers in Wisconsin announced in 2009 that they were close to a cure for the common cold. Some say this could be the miracle vaccine that changes humanity forever. Hoo-ray! We all get to spend more days at work every year and we don’t have to worry about old people dying so fast!

Wait, what researchers? Who do they work for? A think tank, a government agency, a university? Umbrella Corporation? Nevermind! Who cares? The cold is gone forever! I’m gonna get in line for a shot now! There’s no possible way this could backfire on humanity!

Shit.

Sign of The Apocalypse #3

Vladimir Putin.

Holy crap, the prime minister of Russia is a raging sea of unchecked testosterone. Here’s a short list supporting this fact:

-While on a nature walk, he tranquilized a Siberian tiger that attacked his film crew.

-He shot a gray whale with a crossbow. When asked if he thought it was a dangerous thing to do, he responded, “Living in general is dangerous.”

-In 2000 he went all Bill Pullman and flew a Sukhoi-27 fighter jet over Grozny, Chechnya… just to see how the war was going.

And while most guys think that stuff is pretty badass (probably the ladies too), we all have to admit that at some point this guy is going to come unhinged like a roided-up bodybuilder stuck in a phone booth. He’ll turn all red, the veins in his head will start beating like a bad anime cartoon, he’ll start foaming at the mouth, screaming about one of his Western rivals, then sooner than later he’s going to push a button and send a missile flying. And we all know that when one missile flies, all the missiles fly (because that’s the only thing we learned in the 60s).

Before you know it the whole world will either be like Waterworld or The Postman. Or Dances With Wolves. I’m not sure. It has something to do with Kevin Costner, I think.

All I’m saying is, buy your guns now, people. 

And maybe a jet ski.

Everything New is Old Again

For Valentine’s Day I took my girlfriend to David Garrett at the Pantages Theater in Minneapolis.

Yeah, I know, I hate Valentine’s Day. But she loves it, and I love her. So there you go.

I digress (I do that a lot).

David Garret is a violinist of remarkable talent who has made his niche in playing popular music in an unconventional manner.  That unconventional manner being on the violin. Stay with me. This guy was fearless. He tackled everything from Michael Jackson to Bach, Metallica to McCartney. And he did it all very very well.

Somewhere in between Master of Puppets and Beethoven’s Fifth I started to wonder why this guy wasn’t playing for an arena of 30,000 instead of the smaller 3000 in front of him then. His talent and chemistry were undeniable, and the crowd’s reaction was genuine.  The first answer that came up from the depths of my brain was, “Because this is the Midwest and violins scare people here.” I had to grant my brain a point there. But that wasn’t really it either.

I started considering the fact that most of his performances were recreations of previous works. There’s no shortage of people out there trying to ride the coattails of someone else's creativity. Seriously, right now in Hollywood the big wigs are working on a remake of the Lone Ranger and a big-screen adaptation of the board game Battleship.

Rhianna is in this? I didn't even know she could act.

In spite of Johnny Depp’s involvement in one of the pieces, both are pretty much destined for ABC Family Sunday viewings.  People know remakes and reboots generally suck (I'm looking at you, Gus Van Sant). So when David Garrett hops up on stage with his violin and says, “I am now going to play something from Wings,” most people, Midwestern or not, won’t be interested. Where’s the originality? Where’s the creativity? Where’s the artistry?

But here’s the deal: this Garrett guy was really good.

Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” might have been mostly a joke interpreted as a teen revolution anthem, but when Garrett played it I could feel barely contained frustration in a way I never felt listening to the original. Maybe Kurt Cobain didn’t aim for that, but it was there and this German violinist brought it out. When he did “November Rain”, the pain of loss wafted off of the stage in waves. Bach’s “Air” sounded, and felt, like one great apology to some jilted lover. Every song he played I had heard elsewhere, the way they had been written and intended to be played. Every song he played was brand fucking new to me, and I loved them all.

Every work of art out there is a telling of our cultural story, a frozen moment in time that, barring a zombie apocalypse, might stand for centuries to tell future generations how we lived, why we lived. Just like the stories told around camp fires hundreds of years ago, the passing on of that information is subject to interpretation. And let’s be honest, there’s an art to finding inspiration in something already done, taking something great and making it superior. It takes insight, creativity and ambition. You have to be fearless to tackle something great and make it better, keep it meaningful in a society that changes on a minute-by-minute basis and yet still be respectful to the groundwork already laid by someone else.

During the intermission I spoke for a while with a long-time fan of David Garrett’s work. He told me that the violin he plays is a Stradivarius, built in 1716. I asked him why in the world would anyone take a priceless artifact like that on stage to play Smooth Criminal. He said that old instruments become brittle and useless if not played regularly. Maybe the same theory applies to our cultural story. Maybe, if we don’t retell and reinterpret our music, films, stories and art they too will become useless to future generations. Maybe, David Garrett is on to something.

Of course, none of that changes the fact that Battleship is going to suck hard.

Maybe Hollywood could stand to learn something from David Garrett.

Sleeping in The Wet Spot

Man, I used to love blogging.

Back in my heyday, when Myspace was better than Facebook I was known to churn out at least one post a week, reveling in my self on a level that was previously only known to my reflection.

I realize now that some of my younger readers might not know what Myspace is. See, Myspace was a place for friend whores and attention whores and sluts and sixpack-flashing douchebags. Actually it still is. I'm pretty sure it still is. I'm going to check quick...

*checking*

Yeah, it's still there. Good God, it's like a wasteland of co-dependency and unknown musicians. Ugh.

I digress.

See, I used to blog regularly. At certain points, I even had regular readers. Then one day I couldn't think of anything to write that didn't seem just a little too self-everything.  Then, I went back through my previous works and realized my whole blog career (can you call it a career if you don't get paid for it?) was pretty self-everything. In spite of the title here, I'm a pretty humble guy most days and the realization that I was really only blogging for own benefit kind of turned me off to the whole experience.

But let's be honest here... isn't every blog in the world really just an Essay in Pride and Vanity? Isn't the blog simply the digital version of jumping up and down and shouting, "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!"? From Cracked.com to ABC News, every blog is at its heart  just a shameless grab for attention. It's human nature to want to be heard, to think you deserve to be heard. Until the Internets, that wasn't possible outside of letters to the editor and open mic nights. But now, it's a brave new world of throwing out one's opinions and feelings like so much candy at a parade.

But that's a good thing! It's annoying sometimes, and 98% of what's put out is uninspiring to a fault, but it's proactive and cathartic and it's freedom of speech at it's best. And if that's the case, is there anything wrong with me joining in?

The answer is no, kids.

So here I am, back and unabashedly so. I probably won't post often, but when I do I will revel gloriously in all that is me, my life and my view on the world. I might be wrong sometimes, and I'm a big enough man to admit that when it happens. But if I offend you... well as someone very close to me once said, "It's probably because you're too soft and not because I'm too rough."

Thanks for reading.



JB